Fecking covid! Since this crap came along, life hasn’t been sweet for anyone! I know I’m not on my own for this, but I think people who get like this feel alone.
For once the stroke isn’t a factor.., well, not really. My depression is from my old nemesis; weight.
In the first lockdown (NI version) I actually lost weight. I went from 17st 7lbs to 16st 8lbs… and stayed there for a while. And it was awesome! I felt amazing, like I won something! I knew 17 to 17.5st was my perfect weight, but this was gorgeous!
Eventually, I weight went back up in the second lockdown (the son’s first birthday helped that… vegan donuts!) But I didn’t realised that I was having a mental crisis at the same time.
I wasn’t feeling great. I was angry a lot, not outside, but in myself; battling with my own stupidity… and it stayed until after Christmas. And in that time, food is always plenty!
Yup! I started eating like I used to be, like I was trying to fill up this awful, depressing hole that was arrived. Thankfully, I knew what was happening, and I started chatting to my wife, Suzanne.
This did help; I started 2021 walking 5km every morning. Started weight training 3 times a week, and slowly I was feeling okay, back to my normal weight and, kinda, felt control… but i was wrong.
Depression is easy to hide, even from yourself! You felt like you are in control, but you know, deep inside, that you’re not. And you know you are a failure… and that grip let’s you know when least want to know.
In the past few weeks, I have put on nearly a stone, now 18st 7lbs… and it is killing me! The knowledge of that weight being on puts me in to a spiral, and losing the control really knocks me over.
The wins in the past feel like nothing; failure is everything… and this is failure.