A place to create…

I have plans.

I want to write a play. I want to write a book. I want to organise my next adventure. And the only way I can sort my head round that, is to create a place to allowed my brain to go free…

So I created a workplace… kinda my office! Now I don’t know why, but to focus in, I need chaos. It didn’t used to be, but since the stroke, I need music or videos; something I also enjoy. Therefore, my old Mac and skateboard video helped me to focus on a new powerpoint for an upcoming conference I’m speaking at.

(And no, thats not Pac-Man on the screen, just a bit of Chomp On This, great video!)

Thus the place has started. I’m working on the first project and, hopefully, will be more of a regular on here!

CTRL+ALT+DELETE

Yup!

I’m back… hopefully, this time I’ll stick around.

Was going to delete all the previous posts, and totally restart again, but what would that help? All part of the process, right?

So, what has changed? Well, apart for my weight, not a lot! Haha! Actually, I am back in ‘Heart Failure’.

I always think this a bit of a shock statement for a this, but I’m not a doctor and that’s what they call it. It just seems a bit BANG… HEART FAILURE. END OF., but I know it’s not they end, it can be fixed. Like a fuel pump in a car, a decent mechanic and sort it with the right tools, and I suppose I’m the mechanic here. It’s all about the ejection fraction, and my percentages is 40-45%. So, not quite in the severe area, but still not great. I’m on medication and, hopefully, will start to get my movement back again. And closing weight again will help!

Still rehabbing from the stroke; trying to start reading again… thon aphasia is rife here. If you don’t know, aphasia is a language disorder caused by damage in a specific area of the brain that controls language expression and comprehension.

Next couple of months is rehab, physically and mentally, and speaking at a few conferences. And then… HOLIDAY! More of that in a later post… see you all then!

Always feeling like a failure…

Fecking covid! Since this crap came along, life hasn’t been sweet for anyone! I know I’m not on my own for this, but I think people who get like this feel alone.

For once the stroke isn’t a factor.., well, not really. My depression is from my old nemesis; weight.

In the first lockdown (NI version) I actually lost weight. I went from 17st 7lbs to 16st 8lbs… and stayed there for a while. And it was awesome! I felt amazing, like I won something! I knew 17 to 17.5st was my perfect weight, but this was gorgeous!

Eventually, I weight went back up in the second lockdown (the son’s first birthday helped that… vegan donuts!) But I didn’t realised that I was having a mental crisis at the same time.

I wasn’t feeling great. I was angry a lot, not outside, but in myself; battling with my own stupidity… and it stayed until after Christmas. And in that time, food is always plenty!

Yup! I started eating like I used to be, like I was trying to fill up this awful, depressing hole that was arrived. Thankfully, I knew what was happening, and I started chatting to my wife, Suzanne.

This did help; I started 2021 walking 5km every morning. Started weight training 3 times a week, and slowly I was feeling okay, back to my normal weight and, kinda, felt control… but i was wrong.

Depression is easy to hide, even from yourself! You felt like you are in control, but you know, deep inside, that you’re not. And you know you are a failure… and that grip let’s you know when least want to know.

In the past few weeks, I have put on nearly a stone, now 18st 7lbs… and it is killing me! The knowledge of that weight being on puts me in to a spiral, and losing the control really knocks me over.

The wins in the past feel like nothing; failure is everything… and this is failure.



Restarting again…

Oh my days… it’s seems like my life is always restarting. I learn to speak, I lose reading; I start learning to read, speaking goes… and when I start a brand new thing, sweet mercy, anything can go backwards! And that could even being my walking, haha!


However, I’m trying to handle it a bit more… understanding the process of what I can do, without losing too much, which helps keeping the relearning becoming quicker.

The brain is a wonderful place, and understanding the pathways and the blockages that makes me more interesting (well, at least to me!) and THATS what I always that this blog to be…

And so, I restart again.

I’m still learning to read and write; spelling and vocabulary… amazingly, my grammar and punctuation seemed to stay!

I’m still learning to control my stride, so I can jog and (hopefully) run.

And, I’m learning to be a Dad! But that’s the next blog!

Ultreia et suseia!

I know, I know! It felt like I had forgot…

… But I hadn’t!

It turned out that walking the Camino, resting, and trying to write a blog was not going to work for a stroke survivor. I even tried to vlog, but even that was too dangerous for my crazy broken brain.

And so I didn’t forget about the new information of the Camino, I made notes for something new. Something that I have “written “and saved on my computer. Maybe you are read it someday soon.

But a quick update…

Two weeks after I arrived back from Spain, I had to move out of my house. It turned out that my wife was really good and getting our house sold and we quickly had to pack up everything and move out.

We spent some time living with family, while trying to find our new house… which again I say we found one! In fact I am speaking this I to my computer in our new snug place, beside our kitchen.

This is the front of the house… well, it was a few months back, but it’s our home. AND! The three of us are about to become a four! Suzi, Suri (the Wu, our dog!) and myself are having a baby! Yes, I know Suzanne is doing all the work, but A BABY!!! #muchexcite

So, new house, new baby and more to come… and I promise to sort this place out! Most posts, I promise!

Soft Arrow Combat fun day…

The beautiful people at Soft Arrow Combat are supporting my #biglongwalk by helping me organise a action afternoon on the 28th July 2018… at 3pm.

We will be having you all at my father-in-law’s field, down the Old Kilmore Road, a mile or two down from Moira.

The afternoon will be games of soft arrow battles and some decent BBQ… vegan and meat eaters will be happy! (And other dietary requirements, let me know!)

Price for both is £20, kids under 10 year old are free… proceeds will be used to help me on the Camino de Santiago, and all other extra money will go to the Stroke Association.

If you are interested, email me at me@iampaulmclean.com and I will keep you informed! Oh, and I might have some new Camino tees available to buy… but can still be ordered!

Mac in a Sac… in the pack!

Such a birthday present, Mac in a Sac are supporting me on the Camino quest! Mac in a Sac is a waterproof jacket, manufactured by Target Dry in Belfast, Northern Ireland. The guys have said that they are happy to help with bits and pieces that I need.

Such a big relief as I have left to worry about and they are in touch with me on a regular basis… that is a massive bonus!

Gotta love a local company helping a local guy doing global things! Thanks guys!

I will keep you all with more info of the gear soon!

The folks at Alpkit Foundation… so lovely!

A couple of weeks ago, I found out that the lovely people at Alpkit have foundation that help people overcome obstacles and enable them to Go Nice Places and Do Good Things.

The Alpkit Foundation was set up in July 2015 and donates 1% of its sales plus the proceeds from events such as the Big Shakeout. Alpkit will donate at least 10% of its annual profit to the Foundation each year.

This year, they are helping me get some equipment for the Camino de Santiago. This helps on two ways…

1. I have less worry about getting the money to buy stuff for the walk… and this helps me to raise money for the Stroke Association.

2. The anxiety of worrying about failing to get the money for the stuff I need, and sadly anxiety is one thing the stroke have left me with, and it can be crippling.

Alpkit have helps me to beat a little of both… and will help me to do this walk. Thanks guys!!!

Time to grab the gear…

So, a big walk needs new stuff… and that started this week!

Due to being ill, and the timing of losing dad, I missed my 40th birthday… and so my 42nd birthday will be my version of the 40th! And my first present is this:

After a few talks and conversations, the Altra Lone Peak 3.5 in the mid range was decided. A zero drop shoe with a big look, but minimal weight… and a nice feel. Pity the colour was what my mum called “Desert Storm” shoes; but the dirty path won’t show up so much!

Hard to find in my large feet size, but Runmarkt On Amazon sorted me out! Cheers Stefan!!!

Now, to find the right bag…